As you all probably know by now, I happen to have a soft spot for both hopeless romantics and the victims of unrequited love. Sometimes it’s as fleeting as love at first sight in the supermarket. Other times it’s being enchanted by the escort girl who’s fucking your neighbor and is destined to give birth to the offspring of a vengeful and ancient god. No, actually I guess it’s just the latter one. There’s something rather kinky and mysterious about a girl that is meant to bring about the apocalypse. Lord knows I’ve been in love with a few of those…No! Of course I’m not talking about you darlin’!

At any rate, there is one such story like this that may lead to the revival of low-budget Indie Horror-Comedies. Last night, I was able to attend a very special screening and  Texas premiere of Call Girl of Cthulhu as presented by my friends over at Other Worlds Austin and Blood Over Texas. As always, Bears Fonte and Co. satisfied my lust for otherworldly erotica and Lovecraftian Horror with this tentacle-filled gore fest.

Yes, there are plenty of sentient giant cocks and dildo-as-a-weapon murders, so you’re sure to enjoy this very off-kilter comedy. When virginal artist Carter Wilcox (teehee) becomes infatuated with his neighbor’s call-girl Riley, he unintentionally gets wrapped up in a fight for the survival of humanity as Riley has been chosen by the ancient god Cthulhu to give birth to his offspring. Sparring with cultists, ‘gore-whores’ and tentacle monsters alike, Carter must prevent the apocalypse and hopefully keep from dying a virgin.

Understandably this is a very real challenge for the young artist as it means contending with ancient prophecies that herald world destruction at the hands of the giant anthropomorphic dragon with the head of an octopus and scaly wings. In his feature-film debut, David Phillip Carollo must enlist the help of his misanthropic roommate Erica (Nicolette le Faye) while avoiding her boyfriend and coworker of Riley’s – Rick ‘The Dick’ Pickman’. Remember that one scene in Alien when the alien pops out of John Hurt’s stomach? Yeah now imagine that with a rather ironic appendage…


You’re welcome for that imagery. I mean, I’m slowly poisoning all of your virginal minds by talking about director Chris LaMartina’s latest film right?  You’re probably asking yourself how I could have the audacity to review an Oscar Nominee one day and subject you to an exposition of exploding heads the next. Well, let this serve as my confession that I absolutely love this instant cult classic and all manner of similar splatter films/midnight movies.

The world needs horror-comedies, and Call Girl of Cthulhu is a drop of water in a horror drought (Sorry Californians – please don’t move to Austin). This film was an absolute riot, whether at the expense of an over-the-top ridiculous premise or the nonstop pun-filled dialogue. I can’t say much on the adherence to Lovecraftian values, but I have it on good authority that the film pays a respectable tribute to the original work of the revered horror writer H.P. Lovecraft.

I’d assume seasoned fans of Lovecraft and his works will gain an added level of appreciation from the film as it sounds like the screenplay was littered with references (such as the Arkham Post). I don’t believe a working knowledge of the author is required to enjoy the film, however. Hell, I don’t know the first thing about Cthulhu but still I managed to laugh most heartily. Just like in any Master Pancake show, I’m that asshole laughing at all the puns, double entendres, and visual pun screen transitions. It is evident that writers Chris LaMartina and Jimmy George are not only proud of their adherence to the mythos of the story but aren’t afraid to have a little fun with practical effects and camerawork in this humorous Lovecraft offshoot.

I was thrilled to catch up with director LaMartina and his leading lady/wife Melissa O’Brien during the Q & A session and after-party. It was refreshing to hear their enthusiasm and personal anecdotes regarding the production of Call Girl. Considering the film’s budget was something on the order of only $40k, I’d be quick to label this film as LaMartina’s mastering of low-budget horror. I firmly believe the director has a bright future and can’t wait to see what the gang at Midnight Crew Studious can produce with a bigger budget. We might have another Tucker and Dale vs. Evil or Dead Snow on our hands. Oh, and, of course, I can’t forget anything that has Bruce Campbell in it.

Overall, I was immensely pleased with this film. Yes, it’s an incredibly low-budget B-level horror film, but it grows the genre. You’ll get equal parts gore and nudity, as well as more sexual hijinks than you can shake a dildo at. I’ve found people like descriptive words to latch onto when reading film criticisms, so let me just describe Call Girl for what it really is – dripping, gooey, grotesque. Oh and hysterical. It’s a gory jamboree that any horror fan is sure to appreciate. You really shouldn’t have those reservations about genital-mutating STDs and penis monsters as a plot device. They ultimately bring the entire story to a head. Badum Tssss


David Phillip Carollo and Melissa OBrien as Carter and Riley


In all seriousness though, I think you’ll enjoy this kinky little adventure. Clearly it’s not for everyone, but I’m still going to recommend it just as I often recommend Six-String Samurai. You just gotta see some of these to believe me. Call Girl also has a lively punk soundtrack that will surely jazz up your late-night horror fest. The script and acting feel mature though I think you’ll see for yourself just how surprisingly multi-dimensional some of the characters actually are. Thank you Chris and Melissa, and thank you Other Worlds Austin for yet another enrichment of my life. On a somewhat related note, I hear there’s talk of an Earthlickers Feature film…

Be sure to check out the next OWA event at Independence Brewery on May 4th. They’ll be screening some of the winners of the Official Star Wars Fan Film Contest. Also, holy shit did Y’all see that Star Wars Trailer? I may be willing to forgive Abrams for absolutely everything if he can pull this off. I’ll still be cautious, but – HOLY FUCK ITS HAN AND CHEWIE!


The Bottom Line:

It’s a raunchy, tentacle-filled gore fest! What other reason do you need to see it?

4 out of 5 stars